Is My Relationship Toxic? Signs, a Self-Test, and a Free AI Tool

If you're asking this question, you're already partway to the answer.

People in genuinely healthy relationships rarely google "is my relationship toxic?" Not because toxic relationships are obvious — they often aren't — but because the emotional texture is different. You wouldn't be searching if something didn't feel wrong.

This isn't a quiz with trick questions. This is a real self-assessment.

What Makes a Relationship Toxic?

"Toxic" isn't about conflict. Every relationship has conflict. It isn't about imperfect communication — everyone communicates imperfectly sometimes.

A relationship is toxic when there is a consistent pattern of behavior that diminishes your wellbeing, undermines your sense of reality, controls your behavior, or creates fear of consequences for expressing your genuine self.

Toxic relationships exist on a spectrum:

• —Low: Patterns that drain you over time (chronic criticism, consistent dismissal, emotional unavailability)
• —Mid: Clear manipulation tactics that create confusion and dependency (gaslighting, blame shifting, intermittent reinforcement)
• —High: Controlling behaviors that affect your freedom, safety, or relationships with others (isolation, threats, coercion)

All of these warrant attention. The high end warrants immediate action.

The Self-Assessment

How You Feel in the Relationship

• —I regularly feel worse about myself than I did before this relationship
• —I feel like I have to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting them
• —I often feel confused after conversations — I'm not sure what happened or how I feel
• —I feel anxious when I don't hear from them, even for normal amounts of time
• —I feel like I can't fully be myself around them
• —I feel responsible for managing their emotions
• —I've stopped doing things I used to enjoy because of this relationship

If 3 or more apply: Something in the dynamic is affecting your sense of self.

Communication Patterns

• —When I raise a concern, I usually end up apologizing before the conversation is over
• —They dismiss or minimize my feelings when I express them
• —They deny things happened that I clearly remember
• —I feel stupid or unreasonable after conversations where I expressed a need
• —They shut down and won't engage when things get difficult
• —Disagreements feel unsafe — I'm not sure how they'll react
• —I've stopped bringing up certain topics because it's not worth the reaction

If 3 or more apply: Communication patterns like these have names — gaslighting, DARVO, stonewalling, minimization.

Behavior Patterns

• —They've said or implied that their negative behavior is my fault
• —Affection feels unpredictable — sometimes warm, sometimes cold for no clear reason
• —They've made comments that discouraged me from spending time with friends or family
• —They've compared me unfavorably to an ex or another person
• —They've made promises about changing or the future that haven't materialized
• —The beginning of the relationship felt intensely romantic — almost too fast
• —I feel more dependent on them than feels healthy

If 3 or more apply: These are documented manipulation tactics — intermittent reinforcement, isolation, triangulation, love bombing.

The Core Question

Before you tally your answers, answer this one on its own:

If you could screenshot your last 10 text conversations with this person and show them to a stranger — a therapist, a trusted friend — would you be comfortable with their reaction?

If the answer is "no, I'd need to explain a lot of context" — that instinct is data.

What a Healthy Relationship Looks Like

It can be hard to recognize toxicity when you've been in it for a while. Here's what healthy looks like:

• —When you raise a concern, they try to understand it — not immediately defend themselves
• —Conflict has resolution — you feel better after talking, not worse
• —Their mood isn't something you have to manage
• —Affection is reasonably consistent — not dependent on your compliance
• —You feel free to have a life outside the relationship without guilt

"But There Are Good Times Too"

Almost every toxic relationship has good times. If it were consistently bad, you'd leave.

The alternation of good and bad — warmth and coldness, connection and dismissal — is often a structural feature of the relationship, not evidence that it's mostly good. The good times keep you in it; the bad times define the damage.

This is intermittent reinforcement. The unpredictable positive is more powerful, not less, than a consistent positive.

What to Do

If you recognized something: You're not overreacting. You're not too sensitive. The next step isn't necessarily to leave immediately — it's to get an objective read. Talk to someone you trust who isn't in the relationship. Consider therapy if it's accessible.

If you're not sure: Consider pasting a few conversations into Signal (below). The AI will analyze them for 12 documented patterns and give you a toxicity score. It's not a diagnosis — but having something external name what's in the texts can cut through the confusion.

If the high end applies to you: If you feel unsafe, if there are threats, if you've been physically hurt — please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (call or text, 24/7). Leaving a high-control situation is most dangerous during and immediately after leaving — please don't do it alone.